When They Won’t Listen: Why the Right Approach Matters More Than Being Right

There’s a common moment in dementia care that comes up again and again—and it’s one I’ve experienced myself. A care partner gives a simple, reasonable instruction. “Put your shoes on, we’re leaving soon.” “It’s time to take your shower.” “Please don’t move that.” And the response? The person hesitates. Seems confused. Does something different instead.

The care partner is left frustrated, sometimes angry, thinking, Why won’t they just listen?

It’s a valid feeling. But here’s the truth we often forget in the moment: we are the ones with the healthy brains. That means we have the ability to reflect, adjust, and find a new path forward. The person living with dementia may not be able to do that. They are doing the best they can—with the brain they have today.

They’re not intentionally being difficult or trying to push buttons. Their brain simply isn’t processing the situation the same way ours does. What we see as straightforward might feel overwhelming, unclear, or even unsafe to them.

The More We Push, the More Likely We Are to Hit a Wall—or Experience Pushback from Our Person

Let me share a story.

A daughter was trying to help her father—once a high-powered executive—get dressed for a doctor’s appointment. He insisted on putting on pajamas instead of regular clothes. She kept saying, “Dad, we have to go out! You need real pants.”

He became unsettled. She raised her voice. He folded his arms and shut down. They missed the appointment.

Later, when we talked through the moment, she realized her dad likely didn’t remember the appointment at all. He didn’t understand why he needed to get dressed. Pajamas felt familiar and comforting. From his perspective, there was no reason to change.

So the next time, she tried a different approach. She laid out two outfits and said, “Hey Dad, would you rather wear this cozy sweater or your red flannel today?” He chose the flannel, got dressed, and was ready in ten minutes.

No power struggle. Just a shift in approach.

This is what we mean when we say: if we push, they may push back—not to be difficult, but because something doesn’t feel right in their brain or body. Our goal isn’t to “win.” It’s to connect.

What’s Really Changing?

In Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, the areas of the brain responsible for memory, judgment, sequencing, and initiation begin to function differently. That means:

• The person may not remember what’s supposed to happen or why it’s important

• They may not be able to sequence steps or organize their thoughts

• They may perceive the situation differently than we do—and believe their response makes perfect sense

  
  

Executive function, the part of the brain that allows us to plan, adjust, and shift focus is often impaired. That makes even everyday tasks feel overwhelming or confusing. What we interpret as “not listening” is often their brain trying to process and cope the only way it can.

Respect Their Dignity, Honor Their Experience

Another woman I worked with felt upset that her husband—once a detail-oriented engineer—no longer followed her instructions to set the table. “He used to manage six projects at once. Why can’t he handle forks and napkins?”

Because the skills that once helped him organize and multitask weren’t working the same way anymore.

So, she changed her approach. Instead of giving him the whole stack of silverware, she handed him one item at a time.

"Can you put this fork next to the plate?”

Then: “Here’s the spoon. Where do you think that goes?”

He smiled. He completed the task. He felt useful—and she felt connected instead of overwhelmed.

When we adjust our expectations and break things into smaller steps, we create opportunities for our person to stay involved and successful.

Their Reality May Not Match Ours—and That’s Okay

Arguing rarely helps. When someone believes they’re supposed to go to work or thinks their childhood home is just down the street, correcting them can create anxiety or distress.

One woman told me her mom insisted every afternoon that she needed to “go home.” She was already home, but not the home she remembered. The daughter used to correct her, but it always led to more confusion.

So she changed her response.

“Tell me what you love about your home,” she said.

That led to stories, memories, and comfort. It was no longer a confrontation; it was a connection.

Instead of correcting, try stepping into their reality—and connect.

It’s not about pretending or making things up. It’s about meeting them where they are and recognizing that their experience—however different from our own—is real to them.

Try This Instead

If something’s not working, pause and ask:

• Can I change the environment? Reduce background noise, simplify visual clutter, or remove distractions.

• Can I change my approach? Instead of directing, offer a choice. Use visual cues. Break tasks into one-step actions.

• Can I change my expectations? What worked yesterday may not today—and that’s okay.

  
  

We are the ones with the flexible brains. We can pause, reframe, and try again.

A Final Thought

This work is hard. It asks a lot of us. But remember they are still the person we love, still trying, and still deserving of our patience and respect. Our person may not be able to change the situation—but we can.

Let’s stop focusing on making them “listen,” and instead focus on helping them feel seen.

Looking for support? Reach out. Let’s navigate this together.