When Remembering Feels Like a Test: Shifting the Way We Support Memory in Dementia Care

I watched as a well-meaning care partner leaned in close to her husband and gently asked, “Who is that?”

He looked around the room, eyes darting. She followed up with, “Come on, what’s her name? You know her.”

He grew quiet, unsure. She pressed again. “You remember. Try.”

This scene plays out every day in homes, in care communities, and during visits.

It’s rooted in love and hope. But in that moment, it broke my heart. What was intended as encouragement became a quiz, and not the kind anyone feels good taking.

The truth is, people living with dementia are doing the best they can. When we ask questions like “Don’t you remember?” or “Who is that?” we risk making someone feel less than, like they’ve failed a test they didn’t sign up for. It can be demeaning, confusing, and anxiety-provoking. The brain is already working hard to make sense of the moment, and rapid-fire questions can overwhelm rather than connect.

Why This Happens

Memory isn’t a switch that gets turned on or off. It’s a complex process that involves taking in information through our senses, processing and interpreting it, storing it, and then retrieving it when we need it. For someone living with dementia, any one of those steps can be impacted. This doesn’t mean they’ve lost their ability to remember entirely. It means they may need more time, more cues, or a different approach to succeed.

When we quiz instead of support, we might be unintentionally triggering fear or shame. And when someone feels anxious or under pressure, their ability to recall actually decreases further. It’s not about willingness or motivation. It’s about brain change.

As care partners, we can shift our role from questioner to supporter, and this shift changes everything.

What Helps Instead

People living with dementia still have the ability to learn, especially when we use meaningful environmental supports. Research by Davis and Weisbeck (2016) highlights how environmental cues, such as clear signage, color contrast, and familiar symbols, can improve wayfinding and independence. This is especially important because spatial memory and navigation are often among the first areas to be impacted.

Here are a few supportive strategies:

• Reminiscing instead of quizzing. Instead of asking, “Do you remember The Swirl?” try: "Chocolate chip mint is my favorite flavor from The Swirl at the beach. What’s yours? " This opens a door without pressure to walk through it.

  
  

• Visual cues. Use photos of family members with names underneath. Create memory books or bulletin boards with labeled images. Hang signs with both pictures and words for places like the bathroom or kitchen. Color coding, such as using a green stripe for the bathroom or a red placemat for mealtime, can help the brain organize information. Calendars, especially those with clear fonts and daily routines written out, are also valuable for orientation.

  
  

• Technology support. AI tools like Alexa, smart watches, or smart phones can provide helpful prompts and reminders. Setting up cues like, “It’s time to take a walk,” or “You have a doctor appointment at 1pm,” can reduce stress and offer gentle reassurance.

  
  

• Therapies like OT, PT, and SLP. Occupational therapists can help create routines and visual supports to reduce confusion. Speech-language pathologists work on communication and recall through compensatory strategies. Physical therapists help the body move with confidence, which supports spatial memory and orientation.

  
  

• Patience and quiet. Sometimes, the person may simply need more time. They may need a moment to process what was said. Or they may not have heard the full sentence clearly, just fragments, because of auditory processing issues. Brain change can affect how language is received and interpreted—not just hearing the words but understanding them and responding. Offering quiet, waiting, or gently repeating with fewer words can give them space to respond more successfully.

  
  

Why This Matters

When we shift from questioning to supporting, we preserve dignity. We offer safety. We affirm the person’s worth in the moment they’re in, not in the memory we wish they had.

These shifts take practice. They take intention. But over time, they become part of how we relate, and they help reduce frustration, build connections, and strengthen the relationship.

Because in the end, remembering isn’t just about facts or names. It’s about feeling seen, heard, and loved. And that’s something we can offer, even when memory fades.

References

• Davis, R., & Weisbeck, C. (2016). Creating a Supportive Environment using Cues for Wayfinding in Dementia.

• Egan, M., Bérubé, D., Racine, G., Leonard, C., & Rochon, E. (2010). Methods to enhance verbal communication between individuals with Alzheimer's disease and their formal and informal caregivers: A systematic review. International Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease, 2010.

• O’Connor, C. M., Clemson, L., Brodaty, H., & Gitlin, L. N. (2014). Use of the environment to support occupational engagement and safety in dementia: An evidence-based review. American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 68(5), 514–524.

  
  

Looking for support? Reach out. Let’s navigate this together.