Connect, Not Correct: The Power of Meeting Someone Where They Are

When we interact with someone living with dementia, it can be easy to slip into “fix-it” mode — trying to make sense of what they say, do, or believe by correcting them. Maybe they tell you they need to go home (even though they already are). Maybe they insist their parent — who passed away years earlier — just left the room. Or perhaps they put on three sweaters because they feel cold when the thermostat reads 75 degrees.

That feeling of cold isn’t “wrong.” In many individuals, brain changes can impair the usual regulation of temperature, making them feel cold even when the environment seems warm to us. What we see as puzzling often makes perfect sense when we understand what’s changing in the brain.

For many of us, the instinct is to step in and correct — to clarify, explain, or reorient. We mean well. We want to help. But in doing so, we may unintentionally send a message that the person’s thoughts, feelings, or perceptions are wrong. And when that happens, trust and connection begin to slip away.

In dementia care, our greatest tool is not correction — it’s connection.

Why Connection Matters More Than Correction

When brain changes occur, the person living with dementia is working with a brain that processes the world differently. What we experience as “facts” may not align with their current reality. Their understanding of time, place, or relationships might shift. But what does not disappear is their human need for dignity, respect, and relationship.

When we correct, we may be trying to help them see “the truth.” But from their perspective, it can feel like we are dismissing their lived experience. In that moment, we may be unintentionally saying: “You’re wrong. You don’t understand. You’re not capable.” Even when our words are gentle, the emotional message lands deep.

And so, the person resists. They push back. They grow frustrated, defensive, or withdrawn — not because they’re being difficult, but because they’re trying to protect themselves from feeling diminished.

The truth is, correction rarely brings calm or clarity. Connection does.

Respecting the Adult Within

A person living with dementia is first and foremost an adult — a person who has lived a full life, made choices, built relationships, and contributed to the world around them. They carry a lifetime of experiences, wisdom, and emotion. Dementia doesn’t erase that. It changes how they express and access it.

When we “correct,” we can easily slip into a parent-child dynamic. Without meaning to, we begin to talk to them instead of with them — explaining, teaching, or scolding in ways we would never use with another adult.

When we connect instead, we honor their adult self. We acknowledge the life they’ve lived and the value they continue to bring. We see beyond the disease and affirm the person who remains.

Respect sounds like:

• “Tell me more about that, it sounds important to you.”

• “It sounds like you miss home. That must feel hard.”

• “You’ve always loved taking care of people — that hasn’t changed.”

  
  

Respect reminds the person, “You matter. You are still you.”

Looking Beneath the Behavior

When someone with dementia does something that seems unusual or confusing, our first question shouldn’t be “How do I stop this?” but rather “Why might this be happening?” Every action, word, or expression has meaning — even when we don’t immediately understand it.

Maybe they are pacing because they feel anxious or need to move their body. Maybe they are searching because something feels unfamiliar.

Maybe they resist bathing because they are cold, modest, or frightened by reflections in the mirror.

When we connect before we correct, we begin to investigate with curiosity. We shift from judgment to understanding.

Instead of saying, “You just had a shower! "We might try, “It sounds like you don’t feel ready for that right now. Let’s sit for a minute together.”

Instead of, “You can’t go home, you live here now! "We might respond, “You’re missing home today. Tell me what you love most about it.”

By stepping into their world — instead of pulling them into ours — we validate their feelings and help them feel safe.

Validation Opens the Door to Calm

Validation doesn’t mean we have to agree with everything the person says. It means we acknowledge that their feelings are real, even if the facts are different.

When we say, “I can see this matters to you,” we meet them where they are — emotionally and relationally. That acknowledgment is powerful. It lowers stress hormones, reduces resistance, and opens the door for trust to build again.

Think of validation as saying:

“I hear you.”

“I understand.”

“You’re not alone.”

Those words — or even just the tone behind them — can transform a difficult moment into one of connection and peace.

While research continues to evolve, validation has long been recognized in the caregiving community as a best practice that reduces distress and fosters trust.

The Cost of Correction

When we correct someone living with dementia, we often see immediate pushback — frustration, anger, tears, or withdrawal. That’s not defiance; it’s a reaction to feeling dismissed or embarrassed. Imagine how it would feel if someone corrected your every memory, thought, or decision.

Over time, repeated correction chips away at confidence. It can increase anxiety, create distance in relationships, and even lead to behaviors that staff or families describe as “challenging.” But often, those behaviors are simply expressions of unmet needs or emotional pain.

Correction focuses on what’s wrong.

Connection focuses on what’s possible.

Of course, when safety is at risk, gentle redirection may be necessary — but even then, leading with connection makes cooperation far more likely.

Connecting in Practice: Visual, Verbal, Touch

In the Positive Approach to Care® model, connection is not abstract — it’s an intentional sequence known as the Positive Physical Approach®:

1. Visual Connection – Approach from the front, within the person’s line of sight. Move slowly, smile gently, and make eye contact if they are comfortable. This visual cue gives the brain time to register safety and presence.

2. Verbal Connection – Use a calm, friendly tone. Introduce yourself and offer a simple greeting before giving information or making requests. Use short phrases and positive language:

   • “Hi, it’s Maureen. It’s so good to see you.”

   • “You look comfortable sitting there. Mind if I join you?”

3. Touch Connection – Only once visual and verbal connection are established should we reach in for touch — a hand offered, not imposed. Touch can reassure, but only when trust and consent are already there.

   
   

This sequence honors autonomy and helps the brain feel safe. It says: “I see you. I’m here with you. You’re not being rushed or controlled.”

Connection Builds Cooperation

When people living with dementia feel respected, safe, and understood, they are far more likely to engage and cooperate. Connection paves the way for teamwork.

A simple moment of connection before an activity — a smile, a shared story, a few minutes of gentle conversation — can make all the difference. It helps shift the nervous system from fight or flight to rest and trust.

When we connect first:

• Tasks become easier.

• Resistance softens.

• Relationships deepen.

• Both people feel more successful.

  
  

Connection isn’t just kind — it’s effective.

The Heart of the Matter

Connection reminds us that dementia does not take away personhood. The person living with dementia still needs to be seen, heard, and valued — not corrected or managed. They need us to listen, to be flexible, and to enter their world with empathy and respect.

Every moment of connection is a bridge — between the person they have been and who they are now. Between what we remember and what they feel. Between two human beings navigating change together.

The more we practice connecting before correcting, the more we see small miracles unfold: laughter returning, anxiety easing, eyes brightening with recognition. That’s the power of being present, patient, and kind.

Best Practices in Action

These approaches — connecting visually, verbally, and through touch; validating emotion before facts; and leading with curiosity — are all considered best practices in dementia care. Grounded in Positive Approach to Care® principles and person-centered models, they remind us that how we connect matters just as much as what we do.

In the End

Connection is not about pretending. It’s about understanding. It’s about remembering that truth can take many forms — and that, in dementia, emotional truth matters most.

When we choose to connect instead of correct, we give dignity back to the person and peace back to the moment. We become partners in their journey, not enforcers of reality.

And that is where healing begins — not in getting the facts right, but in getting the relationship right.

Positive Approach to Care® reminds us:

“We cannot change the person. What we can change is our approach.”

So let’s choose connection. Every time.

Because when we connect first, everything else — cooperation, calm, comfort, and care — follows naturally.

Looking for support? Reach out. Let’s navigate this together.

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